Much to say, and I’m not exactly how to make it all coherent. Steve keeps going on about how I shouldn’t do anything for our 2 year anniversary. It’s unnerving because both he and I know that after we move money is going to be unexpendable and we won’t be able to do anything for each-other for a very long time. It’s sort of depressing, and also unsettling. He made me promise not to do anything, so I agreed. He gave me leeway and said that if I absolutely HAD to spend anything that I could buy him a small gift (I’m thinking nothing over $30. I’m saving my money for Vancouver so I can look for something down there.) When I told him that if I couldn’t do anything than I didn’t want him to do anything either, he wouldn’t promise… he just got quiet. It made me nervous and now I don’t know what to think. It’s just all in my head…

I had a nice little talk over LJ with Jessica. I think she has the wrong impression. I have a mood disorder called Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I’ve had it for 12 years. I don’t need medication but sometimes I slip into bouts of extreme depression. It’s hard for me to come out of but also helps me see the honest truth about the world. We can’t walk through the world with our eyes closed and pretend that bad things aren’t real. It’s a nice thought that existentialism can be applied to the physics of reality, but it can’t. It’s just a theory that the mind can percieve only what it wants. What’s real and what you WANT to be real are two very separate things. I don’t plan to live my life pretending that it’s safe.

And in response to Cayley’s reflection on religion and spirituality, you should read Memnoch The Devil by Anne Rice. In the book, Memnoch (Lucifer) meets Lestat, and begins a journey to fight God for his soul. Memnoch takes Lestat for a tour of heaven and hell and shows him the history of creation as it happened. Memnoch shows Lestat the truth about God, that he created man as one big ant farm-like experiment to see how long we would survive. He shows Lestat that only by renouncing God were people allowed in heaven. Those who followed God’s rules were the fastest to corrupt man and survived for the least amount of time. Memnoch showed him that God had no respect for humans, but the fallen angels left God because they thought humans were beautiful. I like that account.

Also in Cayley’s honor, here is a list of facts about ME!:

  • I have a large mirror on my dresser.
  • The man who bosses me around at work doesn’t know how to do the job I do, and he is bald.
  • I am just about finished working here.
  • I play the piano and am stressed about the future.
  • I like to read (and I LOVE to write).
  • I love all the music I recommend to people.
  • My nails are long and uneven and I don’t care.
  • I wear two rings (claddagh), an amethyst/diamond pendant, and a bra, always.
  • I like going barefoot, especially in summer.
  • I like the smell of lit matches, gas stations and permanent markers.
  • I never tested my alcohol tolerance because tolerating reality is enough of a challenge.
  • I like Emily Dickinson, because her words were beautiful.
  • My hair is brown again.
  • I love pickle juice.
  • After 9 months at A&W I can remember what every customer likes in their coffee and I’m proud.
  • I find different meanings in song lyrics as my life changes.
  • I like butter and cinnamon-sugar toast.
  • I sleep on my bed upside down.



    ~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/11/2004.

  • 2 Responses to “”

    1. Hey, right on, I started a meme *L* I’ve read Memnoch the Devil, actually. I love Anne Rice, she’s great. And I agree with you about other stuff – I think that saying life won’t hurt if you’re happy about it is oversimplifying things. To quote the Princess Bride – “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.”

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