Feeling Evil

I hate being female sometimes. I should definitely not be allowed to bitch about PMS but DAMN! It’s been awhile since I had it. I dunno… every few months my body weans itself off the shot faster and it’s just all bad.

I feel kind of numb right now. My parents spent all night fighting. I tried to avoid it but my EXISTING seems to flare tempers. Sometimes I just don’t know what the point of all of this is. I just don’t see the reasons anymore. The line is so thin. I’ve been pouring over poetry, songs, random thoughts. I’m hating the world I’ve been surrounded by. Sometimes it feels like I bring sadness to the world. I go somewhere just to watch it fall apart. I know it’s stupid but that’s the loveliness that is my brain. I’ve spent a lot of time lately addressing insecurities I shouldn’t really even have. They make no sense, they come out of nowhere and they needed to go back there.

I feel so two faced. When I’m at home I am SO unhappy… but I feel so guilty for having those feelings. I hate feeling so dark.

I miss Steve all the time. When I’m with him I feel like my life actually means something tangible. I have purpose, I have a future, I’m not constantly pushed into a state of complete self-loathing. Sometimes even still, I slip into that darkness when he is there and he doesn’t quite notice. I don’t expect him to have to be the one to pull me out of it. It is, afterall, my darkness. I feel like the only worth of my life, sometimes, is pressed into paper.

And HEY! REALITY CHECK! LOOK HERE!! I’m not being depressed, not looking for pity or input, I’m just purging. I do that. That is what writing is to me. It’s purging. That’s why I have every nano-second of my life on paper. It all meant something. It all touched and changed me. It was all important to me. I want to die understanding the things I’ve been through instead of living vicariously through others. So many people do that. When I have nothing I at least have myself, and I want to understand that.

THE NEW COSMO IS OUT! (That had no purpose, it was a flaky statement, go me.)

I’m excited about the next months of my life. What’s going on now IS going on now… but I plan to put it behind me. I plan to not let it get to me. There’s no way I can live with this then by living with it now. I don’t have to let this constant fear engulf me. …I’m finally feeling free…

I actually had an intellectual break last night during a wave of insomnia. I read a lot that sexuality in the media is giving kids a bad influence and junk. It just sounds to me like parents are too lazy to explain the imagery to their children, or to use the parental lock on their TV’s (and yes, even cable has them). Honestly, 14 year olds having sex isn’t new. They’ve been doing it for hundreds of years. I don’t think it’s right, but I mean, in the 1700’s girls that age were married and had families. It was acceptable. The politics have just changed. Women have more opportunities than just to be baby making machines. We’ve discovered the pleasure of sex and not just the purpose of it. Parents aren’t explaining sex to their children so these kids have gone out to find out for themselves. Kids can’t be told to stick their heads in the darkness anymore. THEY’RE CURIOUS! If they were explained to about what they’re seeing, perhaps they wouldn’t have the desire to go and find out for themselves.

ANYHOO I will update again later. That last entry made me want to disconnect the old LJ from the email (HOLY EMAILS MAN! WHEW!) but I’ll deal. 😀


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 03/10/2004.

2 Responses to “Feeling Evil”

  1. Wow, that’s a hella lot of comments. (Just looked). It’s crazy that someone from Cayley found your journal ’cause you had me in your interests 😉 Why… Kassi… I simply didn’t know you cared… *wink* I got the new Cosmo too.

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