I’m hollowed out.

I need renewal. I need knowledge. I need mercy and compassion.
…I need strength…

I feel like I’m losing faith (in myself, in others, in all I thought stood for something…). Does getting stronger mean losing my humanity? Am I turning to stone? If I don’t move, maybe I won’t have to feel anything… and nobody can say that I’m dramatic. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way others make me feel. I hate feelings. I hate hating. So I refuse to have emotion.

Two kids were run over today. I may have known them. I may have known the person who hit them. Good luck with their health. Less than an hour later I observed a kid dressed all in black jaywalk across a busy highway. People are stupid and so am I.

I’m not intelligent enough to begin to relate to anyone, or to understand them. I’m not smart enough to learn, or to improve. I am stuck in this limbo of mediocre knowledge for all my life, and I know now, that there is nothing I can change. The purpose of my life has been removed. So I stand here, empty, nothing but surface. I’m a user and I’m being used.

I dreamt that I gave birth, and experienced the greatest amount of pain I’ve ever felt. That dream used to rip my guts out because there was no child in my arms when I woke up. I’m numb to it. That kid is better off without someone like me trying to be a mother.

Where I am pain is close. Just stay away.

…everyone is just better off that way…



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 03/02/2004.

3 Responses to “Genesis”

  1. please come join

    just tell em i sent ya

    • Self Appeal

      I took a look at the community, but I’m not exactly sure what it’s about… other than lots of “I’m so pretty.” people. If you hadn’t noticed I don’t have that kind of confidence in myself. *lol*


      • Re: Self Appeal

        what you do is answer the few questions for your application, post 4 pics, one of the 4 has to be a picture of you with a “selfappeal” sign, be sure to put the pics under a lj cut, then people will either vote “yes” or “no”. if you get 30 votes and more than half of them are “yes” you will become a stamped member. then you get to vote on new people like everyone did for you. it’s a very active community and everybody is great. you’ll make lots of new friends. every week there are contest polls where there is a picture theme. like this week is “black and white photos”. please look into it and i hope you decide to apply! you know you’ll get a “yes” vote from me!!

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