It’s time for me to really let loose. You wanna know why? Because I fucking can. So watch out. If I smack you… well… I frankly don’t give a flying fuck.

I want to be with Steve. I don’t want to have to constantly plan out my week around what we get to do together. I don’t constantly want a phone call the morning of our plans to hear “Oh well, I can’t” or “I don’t think I should” or “I forgot blah blah blah” but I don’t have a choice. I live 35 minutes out of town, it takes 10 bucks in gas just to get to town, so if I have plans, I have to make sure I have the whole day scheduled perfectly so that I don’t have to go home and spend a fucking fortune.

Because I live out of town, I also spend insane amounts of time stuck in the house with my bitter parents, one of whom is an alcoholic and the other of whom spends as much possible time at work so he doesn’t have to put up with the bullshit. I spend all day doing my mother’s dirty work so that she doesn’t have to get off the damn couch and flux her blood pressure.

The only time I actually get to spend more than four hours with Steve is if I stay somewhere with him. DON’T YOU THINK IT’S HUMILIATING FOR ME TO ONLY BE ABLE TO SPEND TIME WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND MY FRIENDS’ HOUSES? Sorry but if Steve comes to my house my Dad might kill him, and if I go to Steve’s his Dad might lock us in separate rooms and only let us converse through a tiny hole in the wall. It’s either that or we have to spend forty bucks to go camping and freeze our asses off trying. So forgive me if you have a problem with it. Maybe I should just give it up and join a fucking nunnery. Then I wouldn’t have friends OR a boyfriend and it would make my life a whole lot easier.

(Note: BY THE WAY… we WERE going to stay at MY house, but my FUCKING mom decided to stay home and bitch at me all week. I’d rather impose on my friends than bring Steve to the residence of a self-centered, drunken, bladder impaired british woman with a mortality issue, THANKYOUVERYMUCH. And I asked you FOUR GODDAMN TIMES if you were SURE it was okay. Don’t say yes if you mean NO.)

It really just drives me bats that I can only stay with my boyfriend when my parents are out of town, or we leave it.

I haven’t seen my Mom or my Brother or my Sister in TWO YEARS. I gave that up to be here and nobody seems to appreciate it. My life would be so much EASIER to deal with if I had taken the easy road, but everyone else is so much more important to me. I care more about being happy than being secure and that SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! WILL SOMEONE BACK DOWN AND JUST TAKE A BREATHER AND GO “HOLY FUCK SHE’S RIGHT?!?!!?!?!” FOR A CHANGE?!

It doesn’t seem to matter what I do for people as long as they get to take it for granted and vice versa. Nothing anyone does means anything so it’s all a wash. Let’s just forget it and resent each other.

My brother is losing it. He’s seeing this really nice girl named Tat. She’s an honor roll student, and so polite. My Mom loves her. He’s cheating on her. He has more than once, with Tiffany, who is only thirteen. He lies to us, to his friends, to his girlfriend, to the girl he’s cheating with. He treats my sister like shit and all she wants to do is help him. She’s afraid to watch him screw his life up, but she’s so afraid to break her promises that she stays quiet. He needs tough love and I’m angry that I can’t do anything about it. We all have to watch him destroy himself.

So for the moment, if you’re not too busy cottling your OWN feelingsm you can continue on your way, only care about yourself as usual and .LEAVE. ME. THE. FUCK!!!!!!!! ALONE.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 02/29/2004.

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