The Truth Comes Out

Here’s a personal letter that I wrote to someone. Names have been changed and details have been left out, because this is an ongoing investigation:

After 18 months I decided that it was time to be less guarded. I have a very hard time trusting people, but I respect you. I’m very guarded. My entire life has been difficult.

I was born at Surrey Memorial Hospital on May 28, 1985. My Mom wasn’t married and she’d just entered her 20’s already with one child. We lived in a townhouse in South Surrey until I was three (I can’t say I remember much of those days) and then we moved into a basement suite below my Step-Dad (who is now just *Ralph* my sister *Kristine*’s Dad. I grew up back then knowing him as my Daddy. He and my Mom had separated, she was dating a man named *Jake* and Ralph remarried into a Jehova’s Witness cult. He had my sister and my Mom had me. Eventually that wasn’t enough for his new wife *Melinda*. My Mom was evicted and I was told that I couldn’t see my Daddy anymore.

Back then my real Dad wasn’t much a part of my life. He lived up north, but every few months he came down to visit and I stayed with him and his girlfriend *Bertha*. Bertha used to beat me until I was black and blue. My Dad left her when he found out.

We moved into a duplex in New Westminister and my sister visited a lot. My Mom and Jake had my little brother *Kyle*. We were happy for awhile. We didn’t have much and we were on welfare, but it got bad when Jake started drinking. My Mom kicked him out. Mom got a few jobs in secretarial work and Jake came to babysit when he was sober. *Charmelle*, his mother, refused to acknowledge me as part of her family, and refused to let Jake come see me anymore. I was cut out of his life.

After awhile Mom met someone new, *Nick*, and after a time he moved in. At the time she was pregnant with Jake’s second child, and when she gave birth to *Shannon*, my little sister, Nick adopted us as his children. Nick felt like a Father to us for a long time. There was a lot my Mom didn’t know about him, and she hadn’t had much luck with men. When I turned 6, everything fell apart.

I don’t talk about it much. It’s hard to deal with something that devoured 12 years of my life. I was sexually assaulted by Nick, and nobody believed me. All of us children were separated to different homes, and my Mom and Nick left the country together.

I was put into therapy under recommendation of the RCMP’s psychologist, to be treated for what was capriciously called Borderline Personality Syndrome (a form of schizophrenia).

Over time I didn’t think about any of it anymore. I saw my older sister, Kristine on weekends. She would go home to be interrogated. Ralph and Melinda were convinced that my Grandparents (who I was living with) were brainwashing her out of their religion, and would often call the police to escort her home.

I didn’t hear from my Mom, Kyle or Shannon and I never talked about what happened to me in fear of being sent to another shrink. I got to do some great things. I got to see the Opera, Ballet and Theatre many times. I was in scouts, figure skating, life saving (swimming), drama and piano.

Two years later I went to live with my real Dad and his new wife, *Lisa*. Nothing much more than that happened. School was hard, I was bullied a lot because I was afraid of people.

After 6 years (in ’99) my Mom showed up at my Aunt’s house without notice. I was staying there for the summer. Kyle and Shannon were with her, and so was Nick.

Over the years I too was convinced that perhaps I had misidentified my attacker. Everyone kept telling me I was wrong. I trusted him and I hate myself for it. This is so hard. This year has been so, so hard. I screwed up. I let my guard down. Nick had married my Mom. 11 years after he assaulted me, he assaulted Shannon. That was my worst fear. As much as I know it wasn’t my fault, I will always feel responsible for not fighting harder for her. I should have stayed afraid and I didn’t.

In April I pressed new charges. The RCMP admitted to screwing up. They believed me but it was too late. They let him take away everything that mattered to me and let him go. They closed my case last month with no charges laid. I don’t think I could ever talk to you about this out loud. I’m too embarrassed and I’m ashamed. But it’s important. It’s a huge part of me I’m sure you didn’t know existed.

I’m writing a book. I want someone to know. I want anyone to know, just so it’s not only in my head anymore, so I don’t feel like half a person. My Mom is my hero. She messed up a lot in her life, but she had the courage to face the wreckage and make amends. She kicked Nick out of her life years ago and pressed charges also. They’re still pending.

I feel like I’m living a double life sometimes. I’m very open. I was raised colorblind and I have strong beliefs that I’m passionate about. But I’m nice because the inclination was beaten into me all my life. I don’t want people to go through what I went through (and what I’m still going through– but that’s another topic).

So now you know me a little better.

People have been all around curious about this since new things arose. More recently people have been discounting my knowledge about the horrors of life like I’m Mary Sunshine and I never had so much as a scrape in life. So here you have it. Let’s see how easy you think it is being me now.

=*K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 12/03/2003.

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