I’m sitting down tonight, with a cup of English Breakfast Tea (enhanced with two sugars). This one is for Phil and Starlynn (for inspiring the inspiration).

Things in my life are grinding together. It’s like trying to fit something where it doesn’t belong. A square peg in a round hole if you will. Phil’s countdown isn’t just to New Year’s Eve. It’s the countdown to the last day of my peaceful existence. My parents are separating (not that Lesley knows about it yet) and I defy her to find out.

I’m afraid. I’m excited. I’m intimidated. I have no idea what’s going to happen but it won’t be pleasant to begin with. This home is going to be a hard one to endure. I may leave for awhile. But my Dad is happy for the first time in so long… and that means EVERYTHING to me.

Steve and I don’t see each other much anymore, but when we get the chance we are so invested in one another. Our relationship hasn’t dwindled for a moment. I still get butterflies after 18 months. I still go to great lengths to make him happy (shut up Phil). I love him more each day. Sometimes it feels like if we were any farther apart we wouldn’t be together… but we are. We’re waiting out the present, hoping for a payoff. It’s hard. Sometimes I miss him so much I think I’ll burst if I don’t see him. We’re devoted, and sometimes that’s a hard thing for outsiders to understand. *Sips tea cautiously*

My brother’s life has taken this horribly dramatic teen movie turn for the worst. His first serious girlfriend is a sexually abused screw up who waited until the 20th week of her pregnancy to have an abortion. He’s messing up left right and center trying to support her and he’s making all the wrong decisions. I feel like a failure as a sister because I wasn’t there to guide him through the storm. But I’m proud that he’s trying to help her. He’s given her light, but in return she only gives him darkness.

Work is going well. The anxiety of not being able to support myself has all but faded. The hours are becoming tedious, just because it is all mornings, but at least it’s a living. I’m less severe about being rock solid about everything. I’ve found ease in my place. Work keeps me from doing much relationship-wise but we work around it. My Dad is proud of me, and Lesley thinks I’m a lazyass because she’s not around to see me accomplish things.

Things at home are difficult. I have to step on my tongue to keep the impending tsunami at bay and I feel so often encouraged to just blow the last of her worldly possessions to smithereens. I feel tiny moments of pity for the part of her that cares. But then it gets trampled by the part of her that makes the world shit.

I’m on a diet. Call it a cleansing of the person. I’m tired of feeling this way. I want to be healthy and happier on a more personal level. I want to lose weight, and I want to boost my outlook on everything. Things have been wasting away lately and it makes little sense to me anymore why I’m waiting for good to come to me all of a sudden. I used to go hunting for good things.

Christmas is arriving. It feels like the last of good that I will feel for awhile. I’m aimlessly hoping that Steve will be my pillar in all of this, but that is a very slim possibility. I know he cares so much about my universe, but he isn’t always there to be my knight.

12 years of suffering has come to a shuddering halt. I lose and that’s the end of it. The police say that the fact (and they have acknowledged that it is FACT) that I was sexually assaulted when I was six isn’t enough to prosecute the asshole who did it. The family that my suffering tore apart will go on without vindication or justice. Our legal system has no room for mercy or fairness.

I sometimes really miss the world of true, completely superficial fantasy that I lived in only years ago. It was my comfort zone, my dream and my every hope, half incarnated. Sometimes when things weren’t real they made more sense.

My little sister is beginning to exhibit the start of her teenaged angst. She is ashamed that at the tender age of 12 she still hasn’t hit puberty on the nose. She’s beginning it but she’s ashamed she isn’t in full bloom yet. She’s lying about menstruation and worrying my Mother to bits. This is just my family. This is our heritage. We all take the hardest way possible. We’re warriors. Granted we’re also foolish, but we’re fighters when the shortcut is so clear before us.

It’s been raining a lot. I love the rain. It feels like the edge of the world. It feels like freedom and wonder. When I walk in the rain I feel carefree and impulsive again. Like suddenly God gave me another backbone and everything feels like it will be okay for once. I also feel vulnerable and alone. I feel so alone.

Everytime I think about death and spirituality I want to shrink away and say that once I’m dead, I’m over and finished. I want to say that nothing happens to me ever again. I’m not reincarnated. I don’t have an afterlife. I cease. I’m removed. I’m nothing.

I want my friends to know that they’ve been important to me. Lately Phil has been this great turning point in my world. For the first time in my life I don’t feel like I need therapy anymore, and I think you gave that to me. I know it was only through your own personal self-discovery that you showed me this, but wonderful surprises are still wonderful, however unintended. I’ve found a confidante in you. There’s a friendly energy between us that so few understand as just being platonic.

I don’t dream of you that way. I don’t think of you in a lover kind of way, and I don’t think I’m even capable of the thought process it would take to do so. But you are wonderful to me, and you deserve the world.

*Pours more water into cup and dips teabag repeatedly* Tea is great.

I feel suffocated by this town. I feel suffocated by this place. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel free, but I also feel nervous. It’s like worrying that your plan is doomed to backfire.

Steven: Usted es mi mundo, y mi universo. Yo solo lo quiero, y yo solo quiero que usted quierame. Yo me dedico a usted cada dia y cada noche. Quiero ser su esposa, asi como usted quiere ser mi marido. Abrigo cada momento con usted y temo cada momento que somos aparte. Te quiero. Usted me alenta y cree en mi, y yo he esperado toda mi vida para adorarlo. Gaste por favor para siempre conmigo.

=*K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 12/02/2003.

One Response to “”

  1. Heehee… I think I’ve started a tea revolution 😛 Tea is good 🙂

    It sucks about the whole R.C.M.P. thing, but at least you got them to admit that they were wrong. You have the satisfaction in knowing that they were wrong, and that you’re not crazy.
    Maybe you could go public with this, if you didn’t tell them otherwise.

    And yeah… It’s weird, and a little annoying, that we’re still getting the “how’s your girlfriend Kassi” thing…

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