Independence at last…

So Steve is coming over tonight. We haven’t spent any substantial amount of time together in a long time, so its good to be away from all of the parents for a few days. We’re both working but we’ve formed a system. Not to mention that I can now be on the Internet 24 hours a day and 7 days a week if I so wish (only I won’t get any phone calls… a downfall in my books).

I just finished cleaning the whole house and doing my laundry. I still have to do the dishes but they can wait until I get home. The house is in fairly good condition. I smell good, like one of those bounce sheets. Hehehe.

Anyway, I was listening to “The Underworld” soundtrack and it occurred to me that this song on the CD totally reminds me of what I think other people that come in and out of my life never stop telling me. It’s depressing, but I’ve accepted it. So I’m going to put words into all of your mouths, this is all your guys’ message to me:

Johnette Napolitano
Suicide Note

The Underworld Soundtrack

(J. Napolitano/D. Lohner)

Every night you wrote another line
With a bloody broken bottle
And everyday you wish it away
Why don’t you pull the pin on that grenade
You cottle
I wanted to believe body swinging from trees
Struggling to stand with your head in your hands
A stoic last stand of a dying man

I wanted to believe as I
Watched your world crumble in your hands
I wanted to believe as you
Raised your glass to your last stand
And I wanted to believe you would win
The war in your head
That I did not understand
I did not understand

Every night the questions poured out
Of your wounded eyes
Damn dark things
Every day you used to pray
Listen to the black raven sing
You wanted to believe as you were falling to your knees
Struggling to stand with your life in your hands
The sad last stand of a broken man

I wanted to believe as I
Watched your world crumble in your hands
I wanted to believe as you
Raised your glass to your last stand
And I wanted to believe you would win
The war in your head
That I did not understand
I did not understand

And the questions poured out
And the questions pour out
I did not understand
Did not understand
Did not understand
Did not understand
And the sound of you falling
Did not understand
As the trembling heart of a dying man
Did not understand
The sound of trembling heart
[fin]

It’s sad, but I was driving home last week at about quarter to 12 in the morning, completely alone on the highway, barreling through the fog with that song playing, and for the first time in a long time… I knew what my life meant to the world. It’s not a positive or a negative, but I think I’m finally realizing that no-one will understand. Not if they share my feelings or memories, not if I write it down, not if I take from them what was taken from me (not that I could or would). My past is mine alone.

There is a lot of music on the soundtrack that I desperately relate to, because it’s dark, and I’m dark, and it’s all about feeling the eternal fight.

=*K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 09/19/2003.

One Response to “Independence at last…”

  1. Mmm… Meditativenessly good…

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