Serendipity

Before I begin this entry, I would like to pay tribute to an old friend. Her name was Chad, and she was my mentor. I called her Mary (short for Typhoid Mary… that was her nickname).

Two years ago today, in the morning, she got up out of bed in some lower east side dive, and made a pot of coffee. She sat there and read the morning paper, ate a bagel, and drank her coffee. She didn’t turn on her computer to check her email. No. She liked to save my letters for just before she went to bed, when she had an entire day of labour behind her to fetter at her brain and help her advise me through my angst.

She pulled on her clothes and brushed her hair, and she drove to work in the New York rush hour traffic. She pulled into the underground parking lot of the World Trade Center, and she went up to her office somewhere between the top and bottom floors of the second tower.

She got cozy in her little cubicle with her overstewed coffee and her wrinkled grey suit, and typed away at some program on her Dell computer. Her concentration was broken when a cloud of dust erupted through the building beside hers. It must have felt like an earthquake ripping through her from her head to her toes. She must have screamed or ducked.

They told her she was safe. They told her that she wouldn’t have to go through what 5000 people across from her just had to go through. They told her she was safe as the ground caved in beneath her feet and 40 floors crashed down ontop of her.

Chad was my friend, and I never knew her name. I can’t go through the list of casualties and point out her name. I can’t ask God to tell her I miss her. All I can do is remember someone I never knew. Rest in peace Chad.
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Hey all

So today I have done nothing but slept in because it took me until 4am to get to sleep. I can’t stop my brain from running away. I’m trying to use this time to reflect on me… and I keep reflecting back at myself. I wonder how many of you can grasp how strange that sounds. Things aren’t all the way they should be. I’m waiting. I’m far gone. I’m lost.

I’m trying to figure myself out. Not just as who I’ve always been or who I thought I was. But who I am, as an adult. I’m trying to map out what I am going to let people put off on me, and what I will and will not accept. I’m trying to claim that responsibility that adults have that you get when you graduate and get a full time job. I’m trying to wager what all this means to me.

Too many people haven’t dealt well with this transformation. I think it’s healthy of me to stop pretending that I am going to be an adolescent forever, and even healthier of me to not try and allow people to treat me like one. That’s how people get fucked over in life. They spend too much time trying to hang onto their youthful insecurities and dodging the responsibility over themselves.

You can’t point fingers when you’re holding the key to your own future. I suppose for some that is a daunting thought. For me it’s liberating. I feel alive with options. But all the same I feel troubled by the knowledge that all this reflection has brought. So many people don’t get it. I’m an adult. I’m not 6. I’m not 12. I’m not 17. I’m an adult and I expect to be treated like one.

This is all very interesting. I feel like Yoda. Only human. And female.

=*K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 09/11/2003.

One Response to “Serendipity”

  1. In a post that is this long, there are a few points that come to mind.
    I’m not going to say much about the first part, because I don’t want to sound insensative to it. It was bad, lots of people died, a lot of people lost others whom they knew.

    I liked the “you can’t point fingers when you’re holding the key to your own future” comment. I can just see someone trying to do that and dropping his key down a storm drain or something. It’s funny, and yet has a lot of good points to it…

    As far as I know, there was never any mention of Yoda’s gender. They only refer to him as Master Yoda… Although, since I have yet to see Episode II and the unreleased III, I can’t say for sure 😛

    I tried that personal reflection thing once, and found that it just made me depressed. I think that now that you’ve given it some thought, that you should just go out and have fun… Do something that says goodbye to your childhood. Not dry grad, not a party, but something that is just about you. You can have friends along if you want, but make sure it’s something that you really want to do. Start your life as an adult with a lot of fun, then it’ll be easier to keep it going like that.

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