…Where Did I Go Wrong?

I know that according to all of the recent advice I’ve been given I just shouldn’t give a fuck about anything. But I do. I always have and suddenly that is abhorrent behavior. I don’t know how it ended up that way, nor do I really care.

I am what I am. I never changed. Why can’t you see that? I’m not just “dwelling” because this keeps happening. When it keeps happening its NEW. I never asked for enemies, nor did I ever make advances to earn any. I blocked Eric off my journal because I didn’t find his comments to be comments, I found them offensive. Furthermore, he has continually commented about me in HIS journal and I haven’t been able to leave HIM comments, so lets just scrap that argument for a moment.

To Jessica, I’m not looking for pity or for acknowledgement. I’m not a TV show. Its my livejournal. Its not a place that I choose to put down shit that doesn’t matter. Its a place where (and this may come as a flabbergasting surprise to you) my family comes to read about whats going on in my life. Seeing as I barely get to see any of them. Or talk to them. Its not just about you. You aren’t the only one who reads this fucking thing. And I’ve tried to make peace with you. I’ve made offers and advances and I never said anything rude to you. All I did was write about how I feel and all of a sudden I’m the bad guy. HOW IS THAT FAIR? You always assume that if I write something it has to be about someone on my friends list… well ITS NOT! As a matter of fact a lot of stuff I write about has fuck all to do with my friends list. Some of it has fuck all to do with LJ.

I wasn’t talking about YOU. Please understand that. I was always nice to Eric and I still am. I haven’t talked about him on LJ since the last time he left a comment on it. I don’t want everyone telling me how to feel all the time, do you really think that works?! And I’m not competing with you. This isn’t a “whose got it worse contest” and if you’re making it like that its your problem, not mine. I just want to be your friend. That’s it. I’m not asking for special treatment or for attention. Why are you taking everything I say like its a jab? It’s not! Sometimes I vocalize my stresses and never act on them. I purge my problems, that’s just the way I am and the way I’ve always been. So terribly sorry you’ve completely gotten the wrong impression. And I’ve tried calling you, tens of hundreds of times in fact, and you’re never home. I want so badly to straighten this mess up, because we have all this SHIT between us that I don’t understand how it got here to begin with. There’s so much I want to say that you’re never going to understand when its written down. I don’t know why, all I know is that I care about you and NOBODY IS LISTENING TO A FUCKING WORD I’VE SAID! Stop telling me all your philosophies about my behavior. You don’t know shit about my behavior! And for that matter I don’t know shit about yours. Maybe I would know more about your life if you ever cared to talk about it or do things with me.

I will admit some fault in all this but not nearly as much as I’ve been accused of. Please, Jess. Call me.

=*K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 08/24/2003.

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