I just can’t seem to get any of this out of my head. I do hang onto things. I’m well aware of that. Sometimes people go out of their way to tell me its done… and I do appreciate that. I don’t know why I’m not good enough. I can’t figure it out. I think of the ways I could change without betraying myself and the options just suck. Why are you my friends if you can’t accept what I am?

I hate to be the one to make the obvious point here, but not everything is simple. Some things are complicated. Some problems are life long, some are life changing and some are there and gone in the same instant. I have all three. It seems like whenever I talk about something that bothers me the world turns into a Republican Blacklisting ‘Fest and I’m the shitty one out of the bunch.

Things are better. Although the alternatives I’m weighing are all bearing a heavy price and I don’t know what’s working best for me. I want to be selfish, but its not in my nature. My parents have agreed to allow me to stay rent-free if I go back to school right away. Unfortunately, that is a four thousand dollar investment that I can’t afford. However, tuition is non-taxable, its an off-campus course, and if I maintain a B average or higher, half of my student loan will be forgiven. That gives me 15 months to pay off $1,750. In 15 months I’d be paying more than that in rent and food.

All the same, I’m unsure about what restrictions I’d be subject to, despite the contract of rent is paid through college. (Student loans cover tuition and living expenses). I don’t want to betray my arrangement with Phil… however our plans are still completely up in the air. Also, things at home: still shitty. Steve won’t be moving in with me if I move out… I don’t know what to do. My Dad has graciously paid my car insurance for the next six months, a worry I was harboring since last month (finally off my shoulders… yes!!!) I have one bill to pay and then I can start saving. I’m anxious and excited.

I’ve been guaranteed a permanent position at A&W, meaning no short-notice layoffs for no reason. I’m excited. Already I am looking at the prospect of a promotion and today will only be my sixth shift. My first paycheck will look sort-of skanky, but thats because I only put in five shifts for that payweek. My hours are rising by the day…

Things with my Mom have finally settled. My brother and my sister came clean about what they want to my Mom, and both have accepted Mom’s request to leave Vancouver and go to Nanaimo. They’re both sad to leave something that finally works for them and excited to get a new start. I’ve guaranteed them both that if possible Steve and I will visit sometime before next summer when we’ve booked some vacation time.

I’m all-around less worried and far more relaxed than I was before… except about one thing: all of you. I was ready to just piss my life away, and all I got for encouragement was a one-man army fighting off a bunch of vicious vultures. None of you could have given a shit, and I am so resentful of that. I can’t believe that people I trusted would turn their backs on me when I needed them, when I had done such a large favor to many of them (you know who you are and if you can’t remember that far back maybe you should have your memories checked).

I’m sorry you can’t deal with me. I’m extremely disappointed. But its not my job to make the world seem like a day at the beach. The world isn’t even close to being that way, and if you can’t read about it, you don’t have a chance in hell of surviving it.


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 08/22/2003.

6 Responses to “..Dwelling…”

  1. That sounded very… Umm… Disapointed, and yet you have the curent mood set to “amused”… Interesting 😛

    • As the man once said…

      Remember on Tomb Raider, that lawyer?

      “My ignorance amuses me.”


      • Re: As the man once said…

        Gaahaahaa! People always assume that I watch the new movies that come out. I know about them, but I don’t watch many of them 😛

      • Hehehe

        Sorry. You really need to stay home more. (LOL!) In Tomb Raider he’s a lawyer who specializes in antiquities, and Lara has him looking at a clock. He tells her he doesn’t know a thing about the clock (He has nothing useful to tell her) and says “my ignorance amuses me” I just thought it was fitting.

        I’m actually in a good mood.


      • Re: Hehehe

        Good to hear 🙂

  2. Ho Hum…

    That was really mature… block Eric from posting on you’re LJ, then continue to make quips… Very lame…
    Yeah, I thought I’d post this for Eric since you didn’t give him a fair chance to.
    Other than that, I don’t know what else to say to you. You don’t want pity-maybe attention? Whatever, I’m not concerned with your need for acknowledgment from people who are “stoopid” vultures, so perhaps get over it and look to your few real friends or something, or you know, instead of trying to have what you want, want what you have, and I’m sure that would be hard for you, but there comes a point when you need to suck it up and carry on, and yes, the rest of us people with no problems(or maybe we just don’t tell them to you for fear of a competition) do it all the time. Those who really have something don’t need to talk about it for others to know it’s there, or else it’s gluttonous, even in the case of problems. No, I can’t change that your entries seem like pity-parties to me, but I can accept that there’s no middle ground when people are stuck in their ways and don’t consider what many feel. You need to be able to have that reassuring comment come from yourself, or you’ll never be happy, even if you do a 180 of your life. People who think like that will just shift the dwelling to another problem, because the fact is, it’s not an external problem, it’s internal.
    We are the window through which we see the world-let us keep it shiny and bright-Emerson
    Now you can go get in a huff and rally in Phil’s vanilla support and comment some more and bitch, but think first: will that make you happy and help you move forward in life? What is the motivation for dwelling? Take the issue that sticks out as wrong with us and look at it in you. What we reject in others is often what we loath in ourselves. But no matter, closed ears don’t want to hear what they would have filtered. Well, at the very least, I’m a new horrible twist in your life for you to bitch about to others.
    I still hope you have some luck and do some good, hard, humble thinking, and maybe someday you’ll understand what I’m saying, and if you don’t, I know everyone I know does.

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