I just…

Wow. People really take my life personally, don’t they? I don’t intend to begrudge anyone of their happiness, or for the ease of their lives. I don’t revel in my hardships but to be honest that’s all I much have had to talk about. It gets to me. I’m a worrier and I like to solve my problems. How do you think I deal with them as well as I do? Because I think about things, a lot. So perhaps our lives aren’t the same. I want to share in other people’s lives.

I never said I was holier than thou. I envy people who have fewer problems than I do, and I’m also very thankful that I don’t have problems as bad as some other people’s. If you think this is all that is bad in my life you are sorely mistaken. This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. So don’t tell me I’m being ignorant when you know just as little about me.

Okay, now that we have that blob of ridiculous fascism over and done with, things are looking a lot better, and I am very gracious to people who have put up with having to read my fairly depressing entries. As some of you may know, I have clinical depression, and don’t often deal with things the way most people do. But ever since all this nonsense with people thinking I’m having a “whose life is harder contest” (which is fucking stupid) I’ve been trying to be objective. I am dwelling. A lot.

But Phil and I have both been out looking for work. As some of you may know, I have already started at A&W. Phil is looking at Video Update right now, and they’re really confident about giving him a job there. I’ve managed to extend my stay at home until I am able to find a place to go, so I don’t need to worry so much about room and board between stops. We have found an apartment though, its low rent housing, but it will do with what I need and I can talk the landlord down to 300 a month for the apartment and utilities. That way I can give him a bonus 150 for the first month as a damage deposit.

Work has been going unbelievably well. I’ve managed to keep myself going at all times at work, that way I’m not scrambling to find things to do. I end up with an extra 10 minutes on my time card per shift just because I’m in the middle of completing a task or two. I haven’t accustomed myself to doing breakfast on till yet (everything comes in blocks on the till) but it seems like I’m being put onto the later shifts and I have already learned most of the lunch and dinner things. Some of the tasks might change, but my supervisor surprised me today with a commendation of how well I’ve been doing. She’s taking me off of trainee in three days, so I’m excited. I get to work my first shift alone in 5 days.

It looks like I’ll be working my way up to full time hours really quickly. Some of the other new hires haven’t started yet, but I hope they all enjoy their work as much as I do. Same for Tina.

Yesterday I got to go to Melissa’s party. It kind-of frightened me because we haven’t spoken much or at all in almost 9 months. I didn’t expect to hear her voice on the phone. But I really want to be confident about this advance. I kind-of isolated myself from our friendship because I think at the time we were very much apart from each-other but still very much in the way of each-other. I wanted her to see from at least someone who cares about her that she can function independently.

She’s sticking with her plan to become a chef. She’s taking her beginner’s training here at the college. I’m excited for her. She really enjoys what she’s going after and she has an incredible knack for it. I used to want to be a chef as well, but I found other things I enjoy more.

As for the party it was great. Steve and I had been up at Chris’ for a few hours and we had to leave and get some gas and swing by and pick up Phil. We didn’t get there until about 6:30. Pulling up to Gossen Creek our six pack of Bawls made this loud noise and I thought it was the brakes. [Insert sigh of relief here].

The party was nice. I was surprised how few people had showed up, but by the end of the night it was so awesome. Ryan got totally smashed. Steve was in the tent and Ryan thought he was God. He kept going on about premarital unprotected sex. “God, you have to use a condom!” (lol). Beth kept taking him into the house and he’d just sneak out again. Matt got really drunk. He scared a lot of people because he got so sick. Melissa spent most of the night holding him while he threw up. He had such a bad hangover this morning.

Phil and Barry also got drunk, but Phil holds his alcohol really well. Barry didn’t act drunk, but he was throwing up a lot. It was sick. Eden spent most of the night making sure he didn’t vomit in the tent. Phil stayed up all night with James and I got to sleep because I had work this morning. But I woke up this morning and the boys were in this long conversation about fake jizz, while recapping the drunken events to Ryan who had completely forgotten.

The party was a stunning example of why not to drink. There were fireballs and vodka shots and lots of vodka coolers. I didn’t have anything and neither did Steve or Eden. I was almost amazed at how badly drunk some of the people were. I hope their headaches fade.

But that was mostly it. To everyone else, just… I plan on forgetting all that stuff before. I don’t think its important. I think tensions are really high and that people are all getting the wrong idea about a lot of things and thats not entirely my problem. I am making an effort here, consciously here, because I do care about you guys. If you feel better not hearing about some things in my life, just ignore them. I’m not trying to be better than anyone, I actually feel that most people are better than I am. I really wish you could understand that. I love you guys, and I put up with your problems. I think being open is a healthy thing.

Talk to you again soon.



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 08/16/2003.

2 Responses to “I just…”

  1. Great post 😛 , but there were two things that you kinda got a little messed up. It’s Video Stop, not Video Update (stupid stores with like names). Eden did have some to drink, but not as much as anyone else.

    Yeah… Poor Matt 😛 He should know that he isn’t that great with alcohol… Oh, well…

  2. Working at a fast food place must have some negative sides to it. I mean all the ass-hole customers you have to deal with. Aside from that I hope things are going good for you in the boring old hick-town.

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