Goodbye

The funeral was really sad. I took Steve. I couldn’t figure out what to wear and we were both completely dressed in black. We were so hot. I must smell awful by now. But it was beautiful. People were playing Christian Rock and moshing and wearing hillbilly clothes like Jachin used to wear. I don’t think I could imagine him going out any other way. It was a Jachin party.

Lots of people from Caledonia were there, people I didn’t think knew him that well. But I guess they did. everyone was crying and cracking jokes and laughing through tears. They played a video, with photos of him (that was hard to watch) and video of him dancing and stunting. I was crying so hard. Steve and I didn’t go to the open casket. I don’t think either of us really wanted to see Jachin (who was usually so full of life) so lifeless. I think either way the decision was a toss up.

His casket was navy blue with sunflowers and yellow roses on top. It had silver handles and it seemed just way too small to fit such a big person into. [Insert crying person here]. Everyone was so happy, but when they spoke they just fell apart like dry clumps of dirt. Steve cried a lot too. I’m glad I’m not dating someone “too macho” to cry.

Last night my Mom got mad at me because I was still grieving, and not looking forward to today. She told me that I shouldn’t grieve so much for someone she never met. It was like just because Jachin and I weren’t bosom buddies I shouldn’t be allowed to mourn him. But I do. His life mattered, and so did his death.

It still doesn’t feel real. They showed this big picture of Jachin at the Prom and it just broke me apart inside. That was the last time I saw him. I feel like for the rest of my life I’m going to wait for him to jump out somewhere and tell us all it was a joke. But he never will. We didn’t stay to watch the burial. Steve had to go to work. But they are filming the funeral beginning to end, and I ordered a copy of the tape.

The low point though, was the hour long preach about God. I am fully aware that Jachin was a very devout Christian, and that he would have wanted people to know that. But I felt like I couldn’t just grieve as an agnostic. I felt like I was being told by the purveyors of God that I would be in heaven with Jachin if I believed in him. That I would die. I just want to be who I am. Jachin’s life effected mine because he didn’t care what people thought. And he believed that people should believe what they want. He was a very open person and I experienced him.

=*K

PS
Here is the text from Jachin’s funeral program.

“Blessed are those who dwell in your house,
for they are forever praising You.”
Psalm 84:4

“What the heart loves, it can never lose’
Jachin Uriah Estes
Given to us: July 24th, 1985
Went home: August 3rd, 2003

Here is Jachin’s list of things to do before he died. The ones he did are in bold.

Things to do…
-Go to an orchestra concert
-Polar bear swim
-Walk/jog/run from home to Lakelse Lake
-Go skydiving
-Make or break a world record
-Perform a song I’ve written to a live audience
-Spend a day completely silent, mute

-Spend a day deaf
-Fart
-Donate blood
-Save a life
-Go to a real ballet

-Get a tan line in the shape of a bikini
-Deploy an elaborate hoax/prank
-Learn to ride a horse
-Learn another form of communication
-Buy a lathe and start a small time business of drumsticks, bowls & chain mail
-Graduate and when I kiss and hug the principal, ride a donkey off the stage, naked under my gown

…Some of Jachin’s favorite quotes:
“If a man hasn’t found something to live for, then he isn’t fit to live.”
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

“The strongest, closest friends have the strongest, deepest fights.”
-J.U.E

“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”
-Ralph Wiggum

“Don’t wish, instead pray.”
-J.U.E

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.”
-Oprah Winfrey

“Don’t mistake pain with evil.”
-Pastor Mike Rosenau

Make-up doesn’t make beauty, it covers it up.
-J.U.E

“There was never a good war or a bad peace.”
-Benjamin Franklin

“You don’t need tears to cry.”
-J.U.E

Written with a request to “Read this when I’ve passed on.” Jachin had also requested the author remain anonymous.

When it is my time to pass
whether it be slow or fast
do not be sad
or cry tears of mad.

For there is a time to laugh
and a time to cry
so laugh a sigh
a cry as I fly.

A time to grieve
and a time to dance
so dance as I dance
and use this as a chance.

When they gather from around
to remember my name
use the name of the Lord
to change the same.
-Anon.

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 08/08/2003.

One Response to “Goodbye”

  1. I don’t mean to seem morbid/pesamistic/dissrespectful, or anything else, but it may be a good idea for everyone to write something like that up. A small personal will, if you will… It wouldn’t have anything legally binding, but it would be a good idea…
    I’ve been thinking about doing that for some time now.

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