Top ‘O The Mornin’ To Ya

I’m at Chris’ right now. I was a little late picking up Steve this morning, largely due to the fact that I couldn’t sleep. I loved it though because I was so hungry last night since I’d barely eaten all day. I made myself a wrap at 12:30 this morning and my Dad got up and was all “Who said you could eat this late?” I go to my room and a nano-second later I hear him rummaging through the fridge.

I was talking to my brother on the phone, just about things. Mostly it was to get Jachin’s recent passing out of my head for five minutes. It felt good to not erupt into tears every five minutes. People keep telling me I shouldn’t feel as badly as I do, but I do, and nothing will change that. People keep saying it was no surprise and that he was doing something stupid so I shouldn’t feel any pity for him. I think that’s bullshit. People do stupid things every day and they don’t die, especially not at 17. (I was under the impression that Jachin was older than that…?)

But my brother is worried. He just got his first girlfriend, a girl named Tiffany, who he really likes. He’s taken her out for dinner and paid and everything. My brother is a heartbreaker, I love him. He’s sad though, because he know he’ll be moving soon, despite the fact that neither he nor my little sister Victoria really want to, and that was the whole point of leaving Vancouver. The two of them are too into giving my Mom what she wants, and she wants to leave. She uses them as her scapegoat a lot, her reason for running away all the time. In actuality she wants her boyfriend, Alf, back. He’s about 17 years older than she is and broke up with her because of it. But by then things were so serious he was an idiot to hurt my Mom like that. She gets hurt a lot.

For people on my Mom’s side of the family, we’re punished everyday, just for living. People think we’re strong enough to withstand everyone’s selfishness. My Mom can’t even feel anything anymore, for anyone. People she’s known for more than half her life have fucked her over so many times, she doesn’t know how to trust anything. She’s empty because of assholes like that. She has lost her will to try, and her ability to consider fighting back. But I haven’t. I have the rest of my life to get that cynical and unhappy. If she won’t fight, I will. Because what I believe is that everyone should get the same consideration. People say shit about my Mom when its them that made her do all the things they bitch about. She’s just trying to survive. She’s just human.

As far as I go, my Grandparents are probably going to shit themselves when I visit them. They like to keep their family under the thumb of prudishness, like they’re above everyone. Like they can’t be wrong and every bad thing that we got was deserved. I think people fuck up. I think no matter who you are, you fuck up, and people forgive you anyway. I know reality. I’m not jaded and I’m not naive, but I am certainly not too cynical to have some faith. My Grandparents have said their last bad thing about my family, and no matter what that costs me, I will stand behind that. They can cut me out of their life for all I care, but its my life, and as far as I can see, its me cutting them out of mine.

As for Aaron and Lori, my aunt and uncle, who recently put my Mom into a pit of debt, I’m taking them to court. If no one stands up for my family, this is all just going to keep happening. I am not going to let people tear apart my family and my life because they think we can handle that. We can, but I’ll fucking kill anyone who tries. I am so sick of being the bearer of all this burden, the only one who takes any responsibility for anything, the only problem solver, the only person who never gets to stop and just say for a moment “This is not my battle.” I’m fucking fighting everyone’s battles and I’m tired of it. When does it stop? When do the battles get small enough for me to walk away from them?

My life is hard. My life is so hard. Everyday I wonder if I’m dead inside. Steve is the one thing in this world that keeps me from falling into that pit of dispair along with my Mom. Steve is what I choose to live for. He keeps me going and I feel like everyone is telling me its better for me to leave and be without him. I can’t. I’d die inside without him. I’d lose him.

I’ve tried to hang myself, I’ve slit my wrists, I’ve cut and beat myself. I’ve jumped off rooftops and I failed at dying. Maybe there’s a purpose to my life, maybe this is it. Maybe I am a warrior and I don’t have a choice in that. But maybe you all (and I mean the ones who keep fucking up my life) can just fucking leave me alone and find a way to grow into better people. If you can’t do that then you are just a waste of goddamn oxygen.

I’ve been sexually assaulted and I’ve been beaten and I’ve had my life torn away from me. I’ve lost everything and I’m still standing, but from now on, if you so much as try to blow me over, you’re fucking DEAD.


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 08/07/2003.

One Response to “Top ‘O The Mornin’ To Ya”

  1. Well… That was rather long, and it brought up a few thoughts. I’d write them all down, but I don’t have much time. I’ll try to keep things as short as I can.

    I too, for some reason, thought of Jachin as being a little older than he was. 18 or 19, even. *sighs* Well… This sort of thing happens, far too often, but it does.

    I know what you mean by cutting yourself off from the rest of your family. I’ve sort of been doing that myself. I still love a lot of them, but it’s almost too much just to try and keep things going the way I remember them as a kid.

    You seem to be taking a lot of people to court here soon. Just make sure that you let yourself take a break for at least the court rooms every once in a while. I know it seems like you’re never getting a break at all, but I’m sure that you could find the time if you really looked for it, even if it’s only a day.

    The end of your last year in school is supposed to be filled with a lot of big changes, but this is a little much. Who the hell thought that all this would happen?

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