Better

I’m trying to just block out all of this bullshit. My Mom and my Dad still aren’t speaking. I don’t think I explained very well last time what is going on at home. I’d slept for almost two days. I was so wiped out I couldn’t stay awake long enough to eat my own dinner. My Mom got pissed off at me because I wasn’t helping her clean the house like an obsessive-compulsive nitwit. I’m not getting paid for chores anymore, therefore I was wondering why that was my problem at all. She expects things in this house to be like a barter system.

I want to be in a family where I can do things because I want to do them, and not have to expect some sort of payment for it. I don’t want to feel like I have to give in order to get or vice versa. But that’s what it’s like. I got so pissed off because when I tried to help she’d beat me to it and get mad. So I got a little lippy. A little tiny bit lippy asking if she wanted me to do the dinner dishes.

She started yelling, and the more I backed off the more she pushed until I just exploded and freaked out and then she got so pissed off. She sent me to my room (SHE SENT ME TO MY ROOM! I’M FUCKING 18 YEARS OLD!) and started in on my Dad, and then my Dad started yelling at her about how much of a fucking JOKE their marriage is. From my bedroom I could hear her yell at me “CAN YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?” Blaming her shitty marriage on me, as usual.

After that she went to bed and passed out. She was very very drunk. Suffice it to say, my Dad changed the beneficiary on his will. I’m now his sole beneficiary.

Kelly offered me a rent-free place to live if I don’t manage to find a job fast enough, and if things get really bad. They are. Steve says I’m blowing things out of proportion worrying that I won’t be able to fix the shit in my life… but its like this horrible pattern that I’m scared to death to get stuck in. Even after two whole days of sleep I was still exhausted. Son of a bitch. I slept again and I finally started to feel better. I still woke up with dark purple bags under my eyes (which is rare for me) but I started feeling better.

Most of the time home is like this tense, quiet, hostile environment. If the air moves too fast someone freaks out. But I’ve been out applying for new jobs, and I got to see Steve all day today. He bought me The Hot Chick on DVD. He spent so much money, oh my God. But anyway, I am still very very tired, so I’m gonna go now.

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 06/18/2003.

3 Responses to “Better”

  1. Dont worry kassi we wub j00
    *hugs*
    I cant say i know what you are going through but i can say that i wish you the best of luck to deal with it. If you need to let things out, then do it, dont let it build up, just make sure you have that place to stay, tell them all of it… dont hold back, then leave if you must. This may be bad advice but im planning on doing it before i move out to my parents, i would now but i have no where to go. But if you feel you must then do it. Anyways im not so good with stuff like this so you should probably just ignore all but the we wub j00 part and good luck.

  2. Oh, honey

    Kassi, I truly had no idea that things were this bad for you. That is horrific. Your parents’ behavior – well, your mom’s – is abusive and cruel. If you have a way out, take it – no one should be subjected to such an environment. I really, really hope things get better for you. This is your time of shittiness on the wheel of karma – things will get better for you. You have the support and love of lots of people, which is a blessing. Hey – listen to Paul Simon’s “Bridge over Troubled Water”.

    When you’re weary, feeling small,
    when tears are in your eyes,
    I’ll dry them all.
    I’m on your side, oh,
    when times get rough
    and friends just can’t be found,
    like a bridge over troubled water,
    I will lay me down.
    Like a bridge over troubled water,
    I will lay me down.

    When you’re down and out,
    when you’re on the street,
    when evening falls so hard,
    I’ll comfort you.
    I’ll take your part, oh,
    when darkness comes and pain is all around,
    like a bridge over troubled water,
    I will lay me down.
    Like a bridge over troubled water,
    I will lay me down.

    Sail on silver girl, sail on by
    Your time has come to shine,
    All your dreams are on their way.
    See how they shine, oh
    and when you need a friend,
    I’m sailing right behind
    Like a bridge over troubled water,
    I will ease your mind.
    Like a bridge over troubled water,
    I will ease your mind.

    Cheer up honey, see the blue light! 😉
    Love you
    Cayley

  3. Kassi

    You and I don’t always see eye to eye and god knows we don’t always get along…
    But for whatever it’s worth I hope things get better for ya. You’re a decent person and deserve better. No one deserves shit like that.

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