…Cuz That’s Who You Are…

Ladies and gentlemen of the court, before I begin, I want you to know that I am only human. I’ve forgiven my Mother. For everything that we’ve done, that we’ve been through… I forgave her. I’m in this place in my head where I can’t… I can’t want to be selfish right now. Mom says I should sue my parents, and that I should tell Steve that if he loves me, he’ll understand if I moved to Vancouver now.

I can’t. I should, but I can’t. I can’t travel back and forth and wish that I could see him more often when I haven’t gone anywhere and I’m already telling myself that. I stayed here for him. I’m still staying for him. I wish sometimes that he knew what I’ve given up to be with him. I’ve been living in an abusive house because he wanted to stay another year. That house is killing me. I feel every second like someone is choking the life out of me with a smile. And I stay.

Mom says his reasons sound more like excuses, but I can’t help that. I’d give my life if he asked me to. He’s the only thing I have here that makes me want to be alive, really alive. I think otherwise I’d be like Phil only worse. I don’t think he understands how hard it is for me. I have to hear my Dad call me a slut everyday. We used to be friends. We used to be close and now I’m just trash to him.

My Step Mom blames me for everything short of the Bubonic Plague and tells me that I’m fat and that I should stop eating. They never make me dinner anymore, they make me pay for everything short of rent and I don’t even feel like this is my family anymore. I feel like I’m in the Barrio and I’ll have to kill someone to survive. My Mom says its worse than I’m telling her. One minute I feel like the world has just kaleidascoped, and the next… I’m okay. I’m stronger than this, I just wish that for once the strength tests would stop. I’m strong but how long can I endure? Everyone has a limit.

I feel like I’m drowning in everything I’ve done for people because no-one has accepted it. I feel like everyone wants me to be someone different and now I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I’m just… I’m just damned.



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 06/12/2003.

5 Responses to “…Cuz That’s Who You Are…”

  1. Kassi I wub j00, (dont tell steeb i said that, its not a passion but a caring way of love lol) I say you get steeb to move with you.

    Oh and by the way, “YOUR NOT YOUR FUCKING KHAKIS” – Tyler Durden (fight club)

    tell steve to phone me sometime please!

  2. On a serious note, I understand everything you are going through. Parents name-calling is nothing new for me. Why the hell would your dad call you a slut? You don’t go around sleeping with random people. A good thing to do would be question them on these things.

  3. I know what you are talking about being strong, but not wanting to have to endure.
    I have personally not been able to rest for the last 8 months. I’m sure that you must be going through something close to that, and I know how hard that can be. Just hold on… I’m sure things will get better in time.

  4. *hugz* I can understand somewhat about what you are talking about my best friend lives in a vey similar situation. My mother is like that to some extents, she’s called me a slut before, told me I shouldn’t eat, told me I’m fat etc. but not to the extent you speak of. *more hugz* Try to be strong, hopefully you will be able to leave soon.

  5. Kisses

    Kassi, I admire you so much. I can’t imagine how you get through so many things, but you do, and you move on and up. I’m always here for you, even if I seem distracted/busy, I am am am. I care about you, and so do those above and many more. You are so strong and have so much good stuff in store for you ahead.

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