Prom 2003 – continued…

Okay, so here come the details. Prom was really really nice, but I didn’t feel the same euphoria I did last year. Something was missing. I think it was probably the bonds I’ve built over the years. Melissa and Amanda and everyone who I used to think mattered… none of them were part of it. I think that’s why it was less. That and the euphoria of falling has waned a little bit. This year I was already in love, so I knew what to expect. I didn’t feel like the prom march were my last steps (not to mention they were taken incorrectly). It wasn’t as much. It wasn’t as important. I think perhaps I am putting Steven before myself again, but I just feel this way… not that it’s bad. I feel as though my prom experience was far better than most people’s are. Plus, the music SUCKED. Holy shit, our graduating class has like NO taste. There were some good songs (most of which were requested by our group: Phil, Cherry, Tyler, Meggz, Steve, Barry, Eden and I) For some reason prom was completely disconnected from the rest of my high school existence. I guess that’s what I can expect from change.

Anyhow, we took a cab to Phil’s (save the guilt I felt for having Steve spend anything… he took complete care of me last year and I felt badly knowing I hadn’t done the same for him). We stayed up and watched The Craft before dying Phil’s hair. It turned out a little warmer than we wanted, so we may end up dying it again a lighter shade. We had to bleach it out first. It’s okay though, it doesn’t look bad. It actually looks pretty cool. It’s a huge change for Phil.

I’m really worried. I never told him, but when he wasn’t there I burst into tears. I wish so much that I could show him how wonderful a friend he is to me, and how important he’s been to me. This isn’t a romance dig, because my heart can’t see past Steve, but Phil has been one of my best friends this year, and I wish he knew how important he is to us. To all of us. Sometimes I wonder if he’s just asleep inside, and he is struggling to wake up, or if he’s holding himself back to keep all the shit he’s dealing with at bay. Phil, please don’t try. Be who you are, and if this keeps on going this way, without reason or solution, go to a doctor. This may be beyond your control without a little help. Please don’t push us away or think that we’re taking you for granted. I knew something was wrong. I’ve known for a long time. By “finding outer confidence in himself” I mean something solid and substantial. Phil knows that he can do this. Deep underneath everything, beyond the depression, Phil knows he can dig himself out. All he needs now is the true, honest, obvious belief that he can do it. And he doesn’t have to do it alone. He’s got us.

Anyhow, Cherry was a really nice person. I liked her lips. I’m a facial feature observer. She had an unusual mouth. It wasn’t weird, it was almost Michelangelo. I didn’t see the things in her that I’ve heard about her. I think its safe to say my eyes are not the same as other people’s eyes.

It officially took us 12 HOURS to get pizza! WE RULE! We had to call a cab just to get it because nobody in this FUCKING TOWN DELIVERS BEFORE 4pm! YOU ALL SUCK! (screw pizza hut). We eventually got our pizza though. Steve over-ate and almost threw up. He wasn’t feeling well to begin with. Anyway, my Dad picked us up and I went home and crashed, like, immediately.

I’m gonna remember prom for the rest of my life, and its going to be a happy memory. One that shows that life is still hard. But I loved it… and I love everyone who was a part of it. These memories life and die with me. Please try to be happy. It freezes something in this world everytime you cry.

Steven, I love you. I love you so much. I promise that I’ve picked myself up beyond cutting, beyond hating myself. I wouldn’t change who I am if I could change everything. You’re my entire universe.



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 06/08/2003.

One Response to “Prom 2003 – continued…”

  1. I agree with everything you said about Phil. He’s a great person. At the beginning of the school year I only knew Phil by his name. Over the course of this school year he has became a really great friend of mine and was always a good guy to talk to at school, and is always a good guy to talk to in general. Maybe he just needs some time alone, we all need time alone to clear our minds every now and then.

    I know what you mean by prom being disconnected from the rest of your high-school existence. I had my Meggz with me, that made all the difference for me.

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