Concluding This Chapter

So I’m back from Prince George… this much we know. I never knew that coming back to your life could be so damn hard. When I got back the first bad thing I had to hear was that I had lost my job. Yeah… thanks for telling me. It’s nice to have some notice before you go off and spend shitloads of money you can’t afford to have spent. I’ll be okay. I hate it when nobody asks me what I had t do with a situation or a problem. The easiest way out for others is just to eliminate the obstacle all together. Well congrats… You got rid of me– hope you’re happy now.

I called my Mom. I was really worried about Katrina… I still haven’t heard from her, and she’s made no effort to talk to me. I hate it when people think they can just disappear and it won’t matter. It does. My Mom gave me a file number and a name. I had to go forward and press charges against my step dad for sexual assault again. God, I was so scared. It was like all of the air had been sucked out of my lungs and I couldn’t breathe. But I would do anything for my little sister, and she needed me to do it… so that maybe she could have some justice, even though its too late for me.

I was interrogated. They asked me questions I didn’t want to have to think about the answers to. I felt like I was six years old again, frightened and confused. That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Finally, after 11 years, someone believes what happened to me. It should feel good but it doesn’t. I should feel so relieved but I’m not. I’m burdened by the knowledge that I will never… NEVER have justice for what happened to me. They’ll never make it right. Having someone finally believe me… it will put the bastard away where he belongs… but it won’t take away the 11 years behind me that I struggled through, the years that almost cost me my life.

The only thing I feel now is that it wasn’t my fault.

=*K

A Poem For DeSade (The Only One I Told)
I never knew that relief could be so hard.
I can’t erase it
I can’t forget it
I just try my best to live
and just let it have been.
I try the best I can
but each morning I pull on my identity
like a spandex bodysuit to cover up my withered soul.
What did I do? He asked.
“I found faith in God, I saw no bad in the world, I knew no shame”
but that was taken away
so I live each day trying to find something to believe
to conjure up some kind of trust
to hide the truth behind my eyes so that I cannot be blamed.
I say that I’m okay to myself
looking in a mirror wishing I could trade myself in
like an old car wit rusted holes in its door
and an exhaust that drags on the ground.
I wish I could wipe myself clean
of this whole thing
But people know I’m not from around here
because I don’t belong here
I don’t fit in with that ignorance bit
I know too much to be from here
But these days I wrap around myself
like a warm blanket
while I brick a wall with anger
and brick it high with hate.
These days I hide inside myself
catching only broken glimpses and vague spoken thoughts
I crawl inside myself
and curl up and cry
because even there inside of me, resonating
the memories never die.
K. Thomsen© (April 25th, 2003)

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/25/2003.

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