Does It Count For Anything?

I’ve been sick the last few days. Grr. I haven’t been bed-ridden or anything… just a runny nose and an extreme tendency to sneeze. I’ve felt a little shitty, some dizziness was involved. My parents are acting like I’m on my deathbed.

I talked to my Mom last night (Lesley). She’s paranoid that the sacrifices I make for Steve are the beginnings of a controlling relationship. I swear to God, I am not gonna let her past of being beaten by her ex husband ruin the one good thing I have in my life. I won’t allow it, and if she tries I will leave. I fucking hate it. Its like… she doesn’t understand that love is about sacrifice. I haven’t been mistreated and I’ve walked into this whole thing with my eyes wide open. I love Steven… and he loves me. Love is about the other person and doing what you can for them as long as you’re getting something from it too. I’m not sure that she’ll ever understand. She controls everything in her life, and because of it, my Dad wants a divorce. He just won’t say it because he’s being a pussy.

I swear to God. I just wish I could explain it to her in a way she’d understand. I am so sick of hearing her ask me why Steve listens to his parents and follows their requests (even the ones that tend to make no sense). Well Steve and I are not the same. If we were our relationship would be in the way of boring. We have a lot in common, but we are not the same. Steven has never really had to fight for himself. I have. I’ve fought my entire life. It’s second nature to me to fight for what I believe in. He’s been allowed the freedom of peace that I’ve never had. Thank God for that. No one should always have to be on their guard. And when I am with him I get to be vulnerable and trusting once in awhile. He protects me, he keeps me safe. I want that. I don’t want to live the rest of my life playing puppet with all the people in it. Mom taps her teeth and says “this is control.” She’s trying to control me…. and I say… NO. I will not be controlled. I am in control of myself.



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 03/19/2003.

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