I wish…

I wish I felt like I was important. But I don’t. I wish I could look in the mirror and love myself… but I won’t. I wish I wasn’t so paranoid that I’m not enough… but I am. I wish a lot of things. Truth is I don’t matter. I’m nobody. Nothing. I’m strong. Yeah. I’m strong and it doesn’t matter to anyone. I’m strong and people constantly test how much I can put up with just to see how “strong” I am. I feel like the walking dead. My “friends” take me for granted… everyone is always too busy to just stop and say hi. Everyone is too bogged down with everything else that is just too much more important. Truth is, I don’t think anybody cares. I hear all of these well wishes for things to get better for me, I hear people extend their concerns and still nothing changes. Still everything is the same… or worse.

I wish I didn’t have feelings… but I do. When you step on my foot, I feel it. When you ignore me, I notice it. When you break my heart, I’m broken. I just wish I could smile. Just once I wish I could smile and not have all these fears behind it. Just once I wish someone could put me first without worrying that they’ll miss an opportunity. But I’m not first. I’m never first. What I want is irrelevant. My life has been dedicated to giving everyone else what they wanted… no matter how much it hurt me. Is that fair? Is that just? It doesn’t matter anyway. I can ask and hope for the answer to change, but it never does. It doesn’t matter.

I hate myself. I hate myself for feeling this way. I don’t even know why I feel this way I just do. I’m a burden on myself. I wish I could erase me from history. Everyone else has and they seem just dandy. I’ve decided not to try. I won’t speak to anyone until they decide they’re not too busy. I won’t call anyone, I won’t go anywhere. I am shit.



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 03/15/2003.

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