Okay, so today is Steve’s 19th Birthday.


I would write down what I got him, but I’m afraid he’ll read my journal and find out before he should. 😡
In other developments, all this ridiculous nonsense with Ally has kind-of dominated everything for the last while. I got really nervous for so many reasons I couldn’t explain. I don’t know why my mind picked her, or whatever. I do think she’s pretty, and as far as I can tell they get along. But that doesn’t matter in terms of this issue. I had a dream that they bonked each-other in the DQ kitchen. Right… so that picture kind of comes and goes when it chooses to, not necessarily when I want it to. Not that I ever want Steve to be in my head with another girl.

As surprising as this sounds to some, and perhaps not to all… I am far more insecure than I am willing to admit. Its all the problems at home… what with my never being able to experience financial security with my family always asking for payouts… like their years of parenting are done now that I can somewhat provide for myself now. Its lame. I wish they understood how lame. Its my money, and I should have the discretion to spend it where I please, and not feel as though the money I had intended to save should be in the hands of those who want it. I need that money. In a few months I will be paying rent and food and gas and insurance, not to mention that I have a great desire to not take out a student loan. I don’t want to be paying for something I had no choice in taking ten years down the line.

Its ridiculous! I get close to saving a pathetically minimal amount of money and then its out of my pocket again. I mean, I do contribute to that loss. I have made close to $500 in the last few months (and I tell you that’s all I’ve made) and spent a considerable amount. I am seventeen, and for the first time in my life I have money that is ALL mine. I earned it and for the most part it is up to me where it goes. But I have spent a lot… but I’ve eventually lost most of it to the grubby parentals. Grr argh!

It upsets me. I don’t want to be a burden to Steven when we eventually decide to live together. Especially not financially. I mean, I know I want a secondary education… but I don’t even know where to begin! I don’t know what I should take… or how much it will cost me or how I’ll pay for it. I know that I am younger than Steve and I did start working before he did. I can imagine that if he had been in my position he would be in my position (except for his parents making him spend all of his money. Its just that I am younger than him, and things are moving sooner for me… I don’t have as much time to let things stew.

But it is Steven’s birthday, and I am so excited. I felt so bad this morning I thought I was going to cry. He isn’t really a morning person, and he got upset with me for telling Mr. Williams it was his birthday… because Mr. Williams got him a cake and he didn’t want to be the center of attention while he was trying to do a tutorial for the DFT class. But he enjoyed it after all, so I’m glad.

I’m going to his house tonight for dinner and what have you… I just have to occupy myself for a bit until he gets off work. Its a shame that he had to work on his birthday, but at least its a day shift. I mean, I have to come to school on my birthday, and I don’t know whether or not I’m working that day either. Probably not. I work Tuesdays. GRR! MY TUESDAYS ARE GONE!!! NOOOOOOO!

Speaking of work, the one day a week I used to get away from my parents to laze around and do nothing I will now spend at work in a deli cleaning and bleaching and cutting and slicing. GRRR. I HATE THIS WORLD SOMETIMES! Tuesdays were mine. Now I won’t get any alone days with Steve, OR see Buffy. ARGH!



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 02/27/2003.

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