It sure has been awhile, journalians…and I missed you. Life has been so complicated and deafeningly loud. It scares me to think that I’m growing up so very fast and I’m experiencing so much so quickly. Its like being thrown out of a plane and feeling incredibly small… knowing that one wrong turn can throw you to the ground where you will stay for eternity and never stand again.

I’m being thrown out of my house by a father who swore he would never abandon me when I needed him. I guess some promises are just too hard to keep. Fortunately, I’m moving in with two people I love dearly, Steve and Jessica. It does, however, mean that updating my LJ will be sketchy for a little while… I don’t know when I’ll be able to get around to it or if I’ll even have the Internet for the first little while. I have so much that I need money for. That and I’ll be away in the Yukon for two months flagging this summer, so I won’t be able to update at all.

Life just got so much more complicated than I thought it could, and so much harder to deal with. A girl who has been my best friend for five years may end up being someone I don’t believe I can even talk to. Melissa and I just don’t see eye to eye anymore. I feel like we’re moving in different directions, and I’m not at a point in my life where I can drop everything and follow her. Right now, I need to live for me, because its too hard to live for everyone else.

I have to get a car and make enough money to pay rent, utilities, gas, insurance, food and furniture. Ahhh. It shouldn’t be too hard to pay living with two other people… maybe $350 a month plus my extras. The flagging job pays 25 grand, so I hope that goes well. I actually can’t wait to get everything worked out. I’m excited.

As for my parents, my step-mom has hit rock-bottom with her health. I think she has breast cancer or emphysema or something… she sounds like she’s dying every morning when she coughs so bad it sounds like she’s going to wretch. Cayley, Jessica and I are becoming really close friends, and I’m friends with Britt McLeod now. She’s really nice. I wish Melissa could see that I want her there, and that I wish she would open her eyes and just be herself and not pretend to be everything she’s not. And if that is how she is, then I hope she grows up a little bit. She seems to have reverted because of the damage done by David and Ashleigh. I can’t imagine how hard that was for her. I wish she felt like she could turn to me for support, but it seems like she thinks that because I am in a healthy, loving relationship that I cannot relate. And I know I can.

Anyway… I don’t have much else to write. Life is just so turbulent that sometimes I don’t know which way to turn. But for the first time I feel ALIVE.



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 09/27/2002.

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