Day Fifteen

Today was kind of eventless. I woke up at 10:30 this morning, and everyone was still in bed. My Mom suddenly seems to think that after 17 years, my body might change its mind about being an insomniac. No such luck. I spent most of the night staring up at the red bars of the bottom of my sister’s bunk bed because I couldn’t sleep. Cleaned up some… safe to say that her living arrangement is a disaster. She’s nomadic between two rooms, and won’t sleep anywhere but in the same room as my Mom. She’s severely co-dependent… if you can believe it.

I watched some new movies, big surprise there. The Fast And The Furious this morning (Vin Deisel Rules) and then Life As A House (a good drama staring Star Wars Honey, Hayden Christensen) and then Ginger Snaps a gory, low-budget, cheap thrill horror movie about Lycanthropes. I mean… EW?! Then my sister was in the middle of watching Pleasantville when Steve called. Something is wrong with the picture here when I forget that it’s after 6:00 and I haven’t even had breakfast yet. Something is really wrong. Now, I don’t want anyone to panic… its not serious. I just wasn’t aware that I was even hungry until now… but I’ve been flopping around the house all morning like a rag doll. I just– I’m exhausted. Maybe its all the people, and the atmosphere… I can blame anything I want… but it doesn’t change the fact that something isn’t right.

Aaron scares me lately. I don’t know why, he just does. He intimidates me, and I don’t like it. Victoria said the same thing once… I just don’t think I ever really noticed before… like this man is my UNCLE for God’s sake, and I came downstairs yesterday in one of those see-thru overshirts and a blue bustier, and a long skirt, and he’s like, “I don’t mean to be a pervert but… I’ll tell you later.” And I’m sitting here noticing the things that make society severely FUCKED in the head suddenly (forgive my language).

I have something to admit to you… something I couldn’t really even admit to myself until now, and sometimes I still wonder about it… my mind drifts there when I’m out of it and just letting myself wander. Steve, I knew I loved you a long time ago. I don’t think I was conciously aware of it, but I knew. It was so obvious… and I think if you ask Chris, he’ll agree with you. And now that I think about it, even when I wanted to go out with Chris… I could never even picture that happening in my head. It wasn’t right, you know? I don’t know if you ever think about it or not, but sometimes I worry that you think I chose you for second best… and I don’t want you to think that. Even you just fathoming that hurts me… because I would hate to hurt you. Chris is like a brother to me- one I get along with. But you? Wow… you have no idea what you are to me. Words can’t even begin to describe it. I don’t think the world of Chris… and when you said that… it scared me. I think the world of you. I think the universe of you. In this world, if I were to be lost on a desert island with someone, it would be you. If I had to be locked up somewhere for all eternity with someone, it would be you. If I gave my life to save someone else’s… it would be yours. When I say “I Love You” there is a list of words behind it a thousand miles long that you can’t hear… and they’re all about you. And please, for everyone else reading this, don’t tell me that I’m sappy or naive or girly or stupid or something… because someday you’re going to open your eyes and know exactly what I mean– and it will make the wait worth every second of the future. My life used to be something I wanted to dig a grave for, bury and forget about it so I could pretend to be something I’m not. Well I dug it up, and I’ve realized that my life is like a great book that you can’t put down, not until you find out what happens next because the suspense is killing you. Its a book that I hope has a happy ending.

Maybe I sound like a freak– maybe not. Who knows? Life is too short to spend measuring yourself by others… trying to be what everyone else expects you to be. I love you all as you are… and love has never been something I’ve had an easy time giving people. Its hard to trust people, and when I do it scares me to death because I just sit back and wait to get hurt. So please, when you read this, put some value behind what I’m saying. You can take the love and trust of others for granted but not mine. NOT MINE.

Download List

  • Ja Rule (feat. Vice) – Furious
  • Digital Assasins – Lock It Down
  • Ludacris – Area Codes
  • Ja Rule – Race Against Time Pt. 2
  • Ja Rule – Life Ain’t A Game
  • Santana – Evil Ways
  • Cadillac …? – Pow City Anthem
  • Soy Tro – Mercedes Benz
  • Organic Audio – Manega
  • Dope – Debonair
  • Saliva – Superstar
  • BT – Nocturnal Transmissions
  • Faith Evans, Ja Rule, Vice, Cadillac …? – Good Life (Remix)
  • Gob – That’s The Way
  • Default – Live A Lie
  • Default – Somewhere
  • Deadsy – Gramercy Park
  • Radiohead – How To Disappear Completely
  • Lenny Kravitz – Are You Gonna Go My Way?
  • Songs by Karen LeBlanc
  • Songs by Karen LeBlanc Featuring Serial Joe

    ~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 08/13/2002.

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