PEOPLE SUCK!! *my second entry*

Hola! I had a scary outburst in Stagecraft today. I’m really worried about myself. Amanda thinks I suffer from clinical depression. She used to until she got help. Sad thing is, I think she’s right. I broke out into tears and went on a rant and rave after I found out that yet again I’m a third wheel on a date. Melissa got asked to the prom by Steve… and nobody wants to ask me. Not that I know of anyway. Guys just seem to like her more. She’s prettier than me (at least I think so.) She’s skinnier and she had bigger eyes (guys go for big eyes or something…). I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why am I not good enough for anyone? I beat my brains out day after day after day just trying to be a good person… that doesn’t seem to stand for shit to anyone except maybe a few of my female friends.

I really do feel depressed. Maybe I always was. Maybe I haven’t faced enough of the shit in my life. I just feel in the way and abandoned and lonely all the time. I don’t know why people like to make me feel this way or what kind of sick gratification they get out of abusing me all the time this way. Its wrong and its unfair. Maybe its unjustified, but I feel like Steven lied to me. He told me that I’d never be invisible to him and yet… here I am… ignored and transparent. Maybe I should just give up. I’ll never be as good an option as guys seem to think Melissa is. I feel like a pity case and I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling like this and I don’t like being like this. Then I have this strange self-confident outburst.

What, you think I’m just another chick?
Must admit, boy you must have tripped…
I’m not the average lady!!

So here I am. Torrid social outcast. Usually I am completely happy… but this is a new outlook for me. I’m beginning to see people as they really are. Liars. Traitors. Losers. Some are True Blue friends, but most aren’t. Most are two-faced assholes. I hate that. I hate it. CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER AND PISS ME A FUCKING CREEK.

Why the fuck do I care about these conformist sheep? They don’t know the first damn thing about friendship or loyalty or plain respect or human fucking decency. I’m just sick and tired of being treated like you can be an asshole to my face and then expect me to just condone it. You can’t use me as a scapegoat and you can’t cop me out.

I HOPE YOUR KARMA CATCHES UP WITH EACH AND EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!

I don’t feel like writing anymore right now, for fear I will scar your mind with some vision of a broken home while I talk about my poor life and expect you to pity me. Well I don’t need pity. I need answers. I need a place and a time that is all my own to just figure this shit out and decide who I am again. I give so much to everyone else that I’ve lost what I felt was my purpose at this point in my life. I need to get that back and I need to get back on track. I need all you bullshitters to shut the hell up. You can’t piss in my eye and tell me its raining. (I don’t mean to scare any journalians who may have accidentally meandered onto my page… nor to the people on my friends list. This has nothing to do with you people, so don’t fret.)

If you wanna shoot me a line, send me some comments in my cute and spiffied up comment section now known as “Gimme Some Sugar”. Even anonymous users and people who are not members of LJ can leave me messages, so feel free. AND THAT MEANS YOU.

=*K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/30/2002.

One Response to “PEOPLE SUCK!! *my second entry*”

  1. Oh, Kassi!

    Aw, Kassi, I don’t know what to say except that I wish I was there for you and at least you’re not alone…I hate this Prom thing…it’s like, geez, thanks, don’t invite me or anything. What is this elusive quality that makes guys want a girl? I just don’t know, and I’m just tired of it too. We sisters have to stick together and we can and will get through this. You are a beautiful, talented, generuous, quality person, and if people can’t see that they’re no use to you anyway and they’ll be kicking themselves later when they’ve realized what they’ve missed! Keep strong, and remember all the Buddhist philosophies about just letting things happen and letting go of hurtful ideas and attachment to unfullfilling things. See you tommorow, Kassi, and I hope you feel better!
    *hugs*
    Jess

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